The Chronicles of Alex Rider
by ObsessivelyOdd
Summary: A series of unconnected drabbles and short one-shots in various genres. Chapter 2: Alex should never, ever have trusted a plan made by K-Unit. It was doomed from the start. Not to mention humiliating.
1. Chaos Theory

_**A/N: Hi people! Ok, so I succumbed to the drabble take-over. Sorry. This is dedicated to BlackLightedClouds because she is awesome and has yet to attempt to kill me for the amount of proof-reading I've asked her to do. Essentially, I woefully abuse her so that my stories actually make sense for all of you lovely people to read. Do NOT her ask about The Notes. (Capital letters are fully deserved)**_

_**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing that you recognise.**_

CHAOS THEORY

"Is everything sorted?"

"Yes."

"The missiles? There aren't going to be any problems there?"

"No, sir. I checked them myself."

"The camera's?"

"Set, sir."

"Anything that could possibly go wrong?"

"Technically… no sir."

"What do you mean, 'technically?"

"Well, sir. Do you remember the spy, sir?"

"The one we caught and chained up in the basement?"

"Yessir."

"He's just a teenager. I fail to see how he is going to give us any trouble."

"Well, sir… turns out he's Alex Rider…"

"So…?"

"Well, I've heard rumours, sir… and… well… Alex Rider is the human equivalent of the chaos theory, sir."

"Is he still chained up downstairs?"

"He was thirty seconds ago, sir."

"Well I fail to see what he can possibly do from there."

From somewhere else in the complex, there was a loud explosion that shook the walls of the room.

"That, maybe?"

Two hours later, when they were both being led, handcuffed, to a police car, the man turned to his boss.

"I told you he'd be a problem."

"Shut up!"

-o-O-o-

_**A/N: So, review and tell me what you think?**_


	2. But Why Like This!

_**A/N: So, this has been on my hard drive for **_**forever**_**. And I'm not even kidding. People have told me again and again to post it, but I've never felt confident, because it's more than a little random and doesn't really fit my spec for one-shots. But now I have a drabble collection, this fits perfectly! So, thanks to Black Lighted Clouds, again, obviously, and to Timon x3 who first told me to get the f*ck on with it and post it. Of course, she was a little more polite about it.**_

_**Warnings: As cracky as a dry twig wrapped in bubble wrap and run over. Also, cross-dressing and implied slash.**_

_**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing that you recognise!**_

BUT WHY LIKE THIS?

"But why like this?" exploded Alex as a jumper was forced over his protesting head.

"Because they're looking out for four SAS men and a teenage boy. If we change the boy to a girl then said girl can sneak out and break us all out of here," explained Fox reasonably. The four soldiers were enjoying this far too much for Alex's liking.

Alex jumped backwards as he felt a hand on his belt.

"What are you doing?" he yelled.

Eagle looked innocent. "You can't exactly wear those trousers, Cub. They're far too masculine."

Alex's eyes flickered to the bed behind Eagle. He gulped. Wolf had just routed a small black miniskirt out of the wardrobe and were those _fishnets?_

"NO!" he yelled, backing away hurriedly. Unfortunately, he crashed into Snake who quickly wrapped his arms around his torso.

Within minutes, Alex's trousers had been replaced with the ensemble that Wolf had picked out, complete with a pair of hooker-esque heels. He was sure that the amount of groping he had received was _completely_ unnecessary.

Alex slumped in Snake's grasp, and the older man gradually released him, allowing him to slide to the ground in humiliation.

A blond wig was placed securely on his head and Alex groaned. Of all the rooms they had to choose to hide in, why did it have to be the cross-dresser's?

He stood up, finally resigned to his fate.

"So how do I look?" he asked, resting a hand on his hip and pushing out his carefully stuffed bra.

The expressions on the SAS men's faces were classic. Wolf worked his mouth wordlessly for a minute or two before finally replying, his voice hoarse, "You look fine."

Alex smirked, and four men found their breath caught in their throat. He stalked towards Wolf, carefully sashaying.

"Do I, Wolf?" he murmured seductively, his voice somehow taking on a feminine, smoky tone that made Wolf weak at the knees.

Wolf's mouth went dry. "Cub," he gasped. "Stop messing around. We have a mission to complete."

Cub pouted. He had actually been enjoying himself.

He walked towards the fire exit, to avoid the guards at the other door.

"Are we sure this is going to work, guys?" he asked nervously. "I have no wish to get shot again."

Fox crossed the room and pushed him out of the door.

Nervously Alex walked down the fire escape. His grip on the hand rail was turning his hand white – heels were _not_ easy to walk in. No gun shots yet, he noted, relieved that the ridiculous plan seemed to be working.

As he reached the base of the stairs, a guard materialised seemingly from nowhere.

Alex glanced around. There were two more stationed around the small back alley.

"Hello, beautiful," murmured the guard, reaching forward and grasping Alex's waist. Alex smiled and brought a hand up, running it seductively across the guard's shoulders. He stepped in closer and squeezed right _there_.

The guard collapsed.

Alex let out a convincing high-pitched scream and the other two guards ran over to help.

Alex took them both out with a knife hand to the neck. He snorted: the big bad guards had just been taken out because they tried to help a "defenceless woman". _Honestly, _couldn't the boss hire better people?

He took another careful look around the now deserted alley. There was no-one else there.

"Alex?" asked a voice behind him. "What are you doing?"

Or maybe there was.

Alex turned around. His eyes widened in horror and embarrassment as he saw Yassen Gregorovitch standing behind him.

"They made me do it!" he protested defensively, as the assassin's eyes raked over him.

Alex felt his mouth go dry. "Y-Yassen?" he stammered nervously. "Why are you looking at me like that?... What are you- OH! Yassen! Oh FUCK."

-o-O-o-

Two hours later Alex was pushed back into the room where K-Unit was waiting.

Gone was the hooker outfit and instead he was wearing a pair of black, tight fitting boxers.

The four soldiers stared.

"Well that didn't work," smirked Alex, through slightly swollen lips. "At least not the way you wanted it to."

Snake raised a hand to point, incredulously at Alex's throat. "Is that a _hiccy?"_

_**-o-O-o-**_

_**A/N: I feel I should be sorry, but for some reason I'm not, so I'm not going to apologise. Oh sod it. Yes I am. I am so, so, SO sorry for this. It's appalling. There's no plot and no real emotional… well, anything. It's just pure crack. But… you liked it anyway? Right? Review and tell me?**_


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